I want to break free…

One pill for anxiety another for depression, I build up the courage to swallow them knowing now I am relying on substances to make me feel “normal”. I don’t want to have them but without them I will fall into this deep, dark slumber where my bedroom is my new home. As they reach my stomach, the acids dissolve the capsules and my brain feels like it can function again. I muster the courage to sit up and open the curtains. The suns rays burn my eyes and my face, I inhale the smell of the outdoors. How long have I been in here?

I fight the force pulling me back towards my bed, imagining myself crawling back under the covers and falling into deep sleeps where I can roam free. My mind wonders and I dream about how happy and peaceful my life should be but that is not reality. This is the only place I get to see Him now, when I am in this different realm. As the years have gone by my mind vaguely remembers his face but in this deep sleep, he is so vivid. He is so real just like he was when present in my life.

I wake up suddenly as a tear wets my pillow, only to realise as the weight on my shoulders return that it was just a dream. Reality smacks me in the face as it greets me in the morning, telling me that all that happened years ago was actually true. Those eight hours before were my conscience coming alive and expressing thoughts that are pondering in the back of my mind, they too are wishing that it was all just a nightmare years ago, and being with him is the new reality. It is all very backwards.

Why can’t I pretend to swallow these pills and see how my brain operates? I don’t want to become dependant on them but I feel at this young age I need to concentrate and push through these brick walls. They help me sit here and write, think and do. Without them I may as well put a fridge in my room and top it up with months of supplies. I try not turn to the bottle. I fight the urge to pick it up, but like any addiction it sits there in my thoughts crying “just one sip, just one taste”. I stare at the TV pretending to focus and watch but my senses know the bottle is behind me. All I need to do is turn around and put out my arm. Strangely enough I have the energy to do that but no energy to stand up and walk out these four walls.

Continuation of “My mind is like a River”

  
I can’t seem to get out of this dark hole. As a positive voice sits on my brain grasping for the light, the darkness pulls it under. If you look close enough into my eyes, will you see the demons? Will anyone be around me long enough to experience it? Will I ever let anyone see my dark side? I can’t bring myself to see the light, to let it in.

I lay in bed wide awake as my mind goes “tick, tick, tick” like a clock. My eyes are wide open staring at the line in the ceiling, that was never there before. The crack I see is getting bigger and bigger over time like the one through the centre of my heart. Why do I care and worry so much? I wish I had a switch to turn it all off! Just to blank it all out; it’s exhausting, it’s frustrating! The feelings are getting stronger. I feel like I have tape around my mouth, I can’t speak. I can’t express any of my emotions verbally and my actions are too sharp. A pain shoots through my head as I notice my mind is working overtime, “please just let me sleep”, I whisper into the darkness.

Nothing but a faint light beaming through the opening in my curtain from a streetlight nearby, illuminating one bit of my room. I sit staring into the mirror, I silently say, “Mirror, mirror on the wall, will I stand or will I fall?” I let the darkness take a hold. I see the dark shadows of my soul slowly taking over my body. They are trying to show the world who I really am but again, the Angel in my heart is fighting to show my pureness. As I peer into the mirror longer, I can see his silhouette. In the shadows behind me, he stares at my imperfections. His eyes seem to look straight through me, I feel transparent, invisible to an extent.

I sit and notice the ups and downs of a person nearby, but do people notice me? Will I be remembered for centuries? Will our generation be looked back upon like we all look back and smile at the 80’s? I am filled with so many questions yet I only have one answer and that is to the latter question;  No I don’t think so… I am invisible to most, but he accepts all of me. He is my new hope…

Sadly, I have been through thick and thin and I know I am not the only one, and I definitely know that this is just the beginning. However, always remember ” You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have”- Bob Marley

My mind is like a river

  

My thoughts are jumbled, they are not making any sense. They are like this piece, I try to lay it out but I struggle.

The air is cool, the clouds are dark.
Where is the sun now?
The atmosphere sets off a spark,
I can’t grasp how…
These feelings feel familiar
followed by a sudden shiver.
Where have these past four years of my life gone?
These dark days feel so long,
yet the good days feel so short.

A light breeze flows past;
A piece of dust collects in my eye.
My hair tickles my face as I let out a deep sigh.
“Please don’t leave me”, I beg, “Stay in this world with me.”
I feel such a wreck as I try control something I need to let go.
I spent a whole fifteen years holding onto something I needed to now let go.
All I am able to show for my loss now is a tear spilling down, down, down; soaked up by the lining of my clothing.
It is gone like the moment, becoming nothing but a memory.

I feel alone, I feel afraid.
He taught me to always be brave, “let nothing push you down,
Just keep swimming, don’t drown.”
I feel the anger bubbling through me, like a volcano about to erupt.
I can’t find my answers, “Why, why, why?”, I ask…
The feelings are so abrupt,
shock hitting me like a wave.
I crave, crave, crave for his touch, presence, laughter, being!
It all happened too fast.

I breathe in blue and out red, trying to feel the calmness, be the calmness,
like a river early in the morning; no ripples, no waves, no movement until I approach the rapids.
I try to drown my Demons but they know how to swim.
As the sun returns, beaming down, I fade into the shadows,
sink into the darkness once again.

The reality is; these Monsters are not under my bed, they are in my head…

A kiss from Heaven…

The eyes are the window to the Soul**

 
It is a beautiful, sunny day; the sun is smiling, the flowers are blooming, greeting the morning. Everything is happy, except for me… This dark blanket suffocates my thoughts, strangles my happiness. Gusts of wind blow over dark, gloomy clouds, covering the smiling sun, suffocating it’s happiness too. A raindrop hits my cheek and trickles down, a little kiss from heaven. I know in that moment that my Angel is here. People say my thoughts are deep, they weigh me down, I struggle to sleep.

My Angel hears these thoughts, He knows what is in my head, he hears the thoughts that words can’t express. Sitting in this confined room, trying to talk to someone professional, trying to seek help. Only until the words leave my lips, I realise how silly I sound. People judge left, right and centre, don’t they realise the heart ache I have had to endeavour? I feel this pain as a flash of lightening catches my eye followed by a low rumble of thunder in the distance. I look up at the sky, close my eyes, take a deep breath allowing all the aromas to race up my nose. I centre myself as I feel the rush, receiving yet another kiss from Heaven. I don’t want this moment to end, I hold on dearly to it, with an ache in my heart and a lump in my throat. I promise myself I will not cry. They say that moments are best felt when our eyes are closed. That is why we close our eyes to pray, dream and kiss. A drop kisses me on my forehead, where He used to kiss me goodnight. I smile, letting my own tear trickle down my cheek. Some say my thoughts are deep, these are the thoughts that cause me to sleep.

However, I can’t sleep my life away. I can’t miss all these priceless moments. As I watch a spider weave it’s web, a trap to catch it’s prey. As I pray every night for the families grieving their lost ones. I pray they can accept the pain and loss, for life can be cruel. We often ask ourselves; why do such terrible things have to happen? We spend most of our lives searching for that reason. Sadly, we may never find that reason, but we learn that without bad we may never fully embrace the good.

Some say my thoughts are deep, as the moon replaces the sun, I let my mind sleep.

Our Demons within…

 

We must stand together

 
This world is getting tough. It is difficult to survive and as I have recently been on 4 different continents in the space of 4 months, I have noticed the struggle. 

As I sit here writing, a group of school kids pass me. There are many of them and their excitement is to roll down the big hill and get covered in grass; the sound of the laughter and the excitement in their voices echo through the trees. As I watch, it is difficult not to smile. Why, as we get older do we stop doing that and find silly ways to stay happy? Why do we become so serious and “boring” in a way? We suffer from depression because we are too stuck in our own minds, analysing every little thing and relying on social media to make us happy, it is all so wrong! 

Ask yourselves one question… Who is to say what can and can’t be done? What is classified as “normal” and “accepted”? Why are we so afraid of change? Who is to say that 2 same gender individuals, can’t be together and have a family? If they are happy and minding their own business, why can’t they be accepted? They are still human, are they not?

A young girl will sit and think, be too afraid to be who she really is because she likes a girl and people may not accept her, her family and friends may go against her. Due to this, she will end up being so unhappy that she could just think of suicide! Is that fair? I think no…. Who is to say it is “BAD” only because some closed minded person will think about it, say something and people are like sheep, they will just follow without having their own opinions. It is hurtful and unnecessary, there are bigger problems!

I personally applaud America, Ireland and recently France, who joined New Zealand, Belgium, Spain and Canada who legalised equality. That is a big difference made in our generation, a monumental milestone! I often wonder, do young people drink and smoke, forming addictions to cover up these unnecessary problems? They drink to numb the hurt and have amnesia; they smoke cigarettes to form barriers around their hearts so that they can stop feeling stress and pain. It’s a runaway as children bully each other, they smoke marijuana to feel the happiness they always want to feel, to leave this cruel world and be in another time or place, anywhere apart from the present and current situation. This is their only escape. Sadly, some take it too far and end their lives, is that really what “life” has become now?!

The Present vs. My Past

  
As I have flashbacks; a smell will trigger a memory, I cry for my hometown. I have come to realise that I took all those 5 years of high school for granted, they were what I will call now the “good” days. That was my home where all my life experiences and memories were made. I wish I didn’t have to leave. I have come to a 1st world country and I see all the beauty that locals have become blind to. The excitement and thrill of catching a ferry to an island, the silence of a green clean cut park where all I can hear are the birds talking, and the faint noises in the distance. The chance to sit here alone or walk alone, treat your dog to an afternoon walk, knowing that you will be safe. All the little necessities that I couldn’t have as a kid. However, I could take my motorbike through the bush and ride my worries away, I can’t do that here.

I hear people complaining over the most minor things and wonder how tough has their life actually been? How blessed are they, do they even realise? Have they every experienced having no food in the shops like in 2008? People migrating to neighbouring countries in order to find food for their children, locals queuing for miles to collect bags of food that are given away, only to reach the front of the line and realise the last bag was just given away. The disappointment and struggle was so hard to bear. Sadly, many people complain about the weather, but if I am honest, if all they can complain about is something completely out of their control, then they better count their blessings.

In my hometown, everyone was friendly, racism caused a lot of violence, but thankfully most of my memories were fun! I would get angry about the driving and waiting in queues for hours but those are the little things I have to giggle about now. I could go 120km/hr down a road to school, experience the thrill of speed and now people only go 40 miles on most roads, I know it was dangerous but it fed my desires. Those long evenings with no electricity, I used to read to my family or act and sing for them, those were incredible memories that I would live again in a heart beat. The sound of generators became like the sound of crickets, the local species all around the neighbourhood.

As I would lye in my brothers’ room, too scared to sleep alone, there would be big thunderstorms, lightening and the sound of rain on the rooftops, our power would go off and we would just lay there. The windows breathing in the smell of the African rains, a smell one can never erase. The smell of freshly cut lawn and the “choo choo choo…. rrrrrrr” of the sprinkler rotating and feeding the grass that is yearning for moisture, the waterfall trickling into the pool, I feel tranquility. The sight of an African sunrise, only so beautiful and red because of the amount of dust in the atmosphere, nothing beats that!

I used to lye by the pool and hear the whistles, calling and hooting of the commuter drivers, alongside them the vendors trying to sell phone data; the cry of an average local trying to make a days worth of work. The big explosion and vibrations as people would blast rock in the nearby fields to create space for new houses. The most terrifying sound of the night jar, a bird the size of a human palm, chirping outside my window in the big African mahogany tree.

I will never forget the sound of my gate bell as we had visitors, the sound of my gate opening, followed by the excitement in my dogs voice as my mum or family member would arrive home. Everyday at 4 o’clock, I could never take a nap as I would be sure to be woken up as a dog passed our gate, my dog would go say hello, everyday without fail! I used to get so annoyed but I would embrace it now. The contact with my little dog when I was crying, she knew all about it. I miss her, I love her, I mourn for my hometown…

The world is YOUR oyster. Don’t destroy it…

  
Sitting here, again in the park, I observe the children passing by. The innocent mind of a child in a pram and the little energetic boy riding his bike to the top of the hill, has the biggest smile on his face. That was his accomplishment, he climbed that big hill today. What is my daily accomplishment? Am I just absent-mindedly walking through life? Do I have a purpose?

I see the other little boy at the back struggling to push his bike up the hill. Truth is some will get ahead in life quicker than others, some may leave you behind; you will get frustrated and angry with yourself including all that is around you, like that little boy shouting at his bike as he struggles to get through the gate. His family has left him behind but he keeps walking, that is reality. People will start to get on with their own lives, you have to focus on you; pick yourself up and carry on doing what you need to do in order to survive. 

That is my downfall; I feel weak and lost at the moment, like there is no one around cheering me on. However, I am not that dependant baby anymore, I got to get myself to that finish line, get that trophy. People will still not acknowledge you, perhaps out of jealousy, you just have to pat yourself on the back and reward yourself for the good hard work YOU have done!

A little rabbit sits to my right, nibbling the grass. A sudden noise startles him and he dices back into the hedge. Small things will scare you, you just have to believe in yourself and not retreat. Show the world who you are! I suppose the fear of the “unknown” is intimidating but nothing can break you, it can only teach you. Take each day as it comes and take it all as a life lesson for everyday you are changing and growing. However, how can one grow when sitting in their comfort zone, imprisoned by others’ comments, thoughts and opinions? You have to step out of the box, do what you have never done, do something you never thought you could do. There is one rule; have no regrets. Trust yourself and listen to your heart, your head will follow and support you; so will the right people…

The sound of an aeroplane always startles me. I often wonder where that plane is going; how are the people on that plane feeling?  Are they nervous first flyers, sad leaving their family or home, happy as they are off on a new vacation, excited perhaps to start a new chapter? I have that opportunity to get on a plane and pursue a start of a career, but thinking is holding me back. Things will always pull you back, you have to realise how minor they are and how strong your push factor is. Such as, why are you going? Why aren’t you going?

You, individually, have to realise one day you will have a family and be dedicated to them; be old and great opportunities will be harder to come across. You have to make memories, create experiences that money can’t buy, have stories to tell your children before they go to bed; so that one day you don’t have to dictate to your children how to live their lives, simply live yours and let them watch. For we all know that actions speak louder than words. Show them not to be afraid of fear, but to grab every challenge with both hands and soldier on!

The Squirrel

   As I sit here in this beautifully coloured park; the sun beams down on the luscious green grass, the wind whistles through the trees and my hair. The birds scope the grass for their morning meals and I picture myself as a bird. I would take off and soar high in the sky, looking at the world from a completely different perspective. I guess one could say I take the “flight” mode when things get tough. I’m not strong enough to fight. Instead, I sit here listening to music and the lyrics speak to me.

I often think; I’m not afraid to die, I could check out any day; but, it’s not everyday you sit and watch a squirrel surrounded by birds. There is no conflict, no violence unlike this cruel world. There is a huge discrimination against someone different; black, white, homosexual, heterosexual, appearance and beliefs. It is all so wrong, can we not embrace the differences? Learn from each other! Imagine how different life could be…

I ask myself; could I be that squirrel, surrounded by angels? The birds being spirits such as my Dad, secretly watching and protecting me. I feel him, I realise how lucky I actually am, almost getting hit by a car one morning, but I didn’t, for example. As I watch this squirrel; I would love to pick it up and cuddle it, or stroke it but I can’t… Is that how my Dad feels? He wants to touch me, hug me, but he can’t? When you are 2 completely different people in this world, there is a line separating us; we can’t cross it. However, this squirrel knows I am here, just like I know my Dad is here. I could run away or I can sit and embrace the presence. That’s where I “fight”, fight to see him!

I get all these piercings and want to cover my body in tattoos. Is that because I am trying to hide who I really am? I don’t want to be me, I would love to be someone different. When it comes to cleaning a new piercing, I am so excited about it! I give it my full attention but after a week or 2, I give up. I stop caring. Is that like my life? I meet new people, put my heart into it then get bored and insecure, thus I stop caring and give up? Suddenly, I will move to a new place and meet new people and do the same, just like a new piercing… Do I like this pain, I ask myself? Truth is yes, I enjoy the rush but it is not the cure for my heart break; my loss in life. That is the reality I have to now embrace… 

My world; Your world vs. Nature

I am starting to blog my thoughts, I have been told recently that I think far too much so writing may help. Please like and follow me. I am open to constructive criticism and any opinions or comments you may leave.

tracks95

Our 5 senses make us all human, depends on how we use them… My senses are constantly going crazy about my surroundings and my ability to think far too much, creates a completely different dimension to it all.

This is proven as the sound of motorcars race up and down the highway, drown out the cry of Nature. As the birds try to communicate and the trees whoosh to the light breeze that touches my cheek. That moment is soon gone as a lorry or bus roars past, creating wind that ruffles my hair. As I hear a helicopter in the distance, the mind ignores the birds; why is it amusing now for children to see an aeroplane and wave and scream like they have never seen one, instead of doing that with a bird or a beetle? They are more attractive, beautiful unique creatures compared to a big metal…

View original post 714 more words