“Hello. Can you hear me?” I call into the dark night
I feel alone and scared as the bushes rustle,
and the trees bustle from midnight breezes
as they shake with energy, I can feel my breath quickening.
When I look up in the sky, I see stars twinkling 4.3 light years away.
Some would say that is high, but when it comes to love and loss
distance means nothing.
Ever look up at the sky and think it is like a blanket with little peep holes, for your loved ones to watch through whilst you sleep?
There are only a few holes where the light shines through tonight.
“Hello?” I whisper, but still no reply.
I sigh. I continue walking with no direction as to where I am going.
Every step, every metre slowly calms my emotions.
I realise the hardest hill to overcome when you lose someone
Is you will get days where life hits you from every angle;
You can’t think, process or speak,
it is merely a question of survival.
I try convince myself he is watching me, sitting on a chair sipping an ice cold beer.
For he would have been forty-nine today, still so young.
I stumble upon a bench and sit with my beer, my vision blurry as a tear spills into my eye,
raising it high up to the sky.
In that second as I take my first sip, it is like we are celebrating together again.
Like a golden heart didn’t stop beating four years ago.
As though I didnt lose a close friend.
Oh, Silent Night…
Don’t let this grief consume me.
One pill for anxiety another for depression, I build up the courage to swallow them knowing now I am relying on substances to make me feel “normal”. I don’t want to have them but without them I will fall into this deep, dark slumber where my bedroom is my new home. As they reach my stomach, the acids dissolve the capsules and my brain feels like it can function again. I muster the courage to sit up and open the curtains. The suns rays burn my eyes and my face, I inhale the smell of the outdoors. How long have I been in here?
I fight the force pulling me back towards my bed, imagining myself crawling back under the covers and falling into deep sleeps where I can roam free. My mind wonders and I dream about how happy and peaceful my life should be but that is not reality. This is the only place I get to see Him now, when I am in this different realm. As the years have gone by my mind vaguely remembers his face but in this deep sleep, he is so vivid. He is so real just like he was when present in my life.
I wake up suddenly as a tear wets my pillow, only to realise as the weight on my shoulders return that it was just a dream. Reality smacks me in the face as it greets me in the morning, telling me that all that happened years ago was actually true. Those eight hours before were my conscience coming alive and expressing thoughts that are pondering in the back of my mind, they too are wishing that it was all just a nightmare years ago, and being with him is the new reality. It is all very backwards.
Why can’t I pretend to swallow these pills and see how my brain operates? I don’t want to become dependant on them but I feel at this young age I need to concentrate and push through these brick walls. They help me sit here and write, think and do. Without them I may as well put a fridge in my room and top it up with months of supplies. I try not turn to the bottle. I fight the urge to pick it up, but like any addiction it sits there in my thoughts crying “just one sip, just one taste”. I stare at the TV pretending to focus and watch but my senses know the bottle is behind me. All I need to do is turn around and put out my arm. Strangely enough I have the energy to do that but no energy to stand up and walk out these four walls.
I can’t seem to get out of this dark hole. As a positive voice sits on my brain grasping for the light, the darkness pulls it under. If you look close enough into my eyes, will you see the demons? Will anyone be around me long enough to experience it? Will I ever let anyone see my dark side? I can’t bring myself to see the light, to let it in.
I lay in bed wide awake as my mind goes “tick, tick, tick” like a clock. My eyes are wide open staring at the line in the ceiling, that was never there before. The crack I see is getting bigger and bigger over time like the one through the centre of my heart. Why do I care and worry so much? I wish I had a switch to turn it all off! Just to blank it all out; it’s exhausting, it’s frustrating! The feelings are getting stronger. I feel like I have tape around my mouth, I can’t speak. I can’t express any of my emotions verbally and my actions are too sharp. A pain shoots through my head as I notice my mind is working overtime, “please just let me sleep”, I whisper into the darkness.
Nothing but a faint light beaming through the opening in my curtain from a streetlight nearby, illuminating one bit of my room. I sit staring into the mirror, I silently say, “Mirror, mirror on the wall, will I stand or will I fall?” I let the darkness take a hold. I see the dark shadows of my soul slowly taking over my body. They are trying to show the world who I really am but again, the Angel in my heart is fighting to show my pureness. As I peer into the mirror longer, I can see his silhouette. In the shadows behind me, he stares at my imperfections. His eyes seem to look straight through me, I feel transparent, invisible to an extent.
I sit and notice the ups and downs of a person nearby, but do people notice me? Will I be remembered for centuries? Will our generation be looked back upon like we all look back and smile at the 80’s? I am filled with so many questions yet I only have one answer and that is to the latter question; No I don’t think so… I am invisible to most, but he accepts all of me. He is my new hope…
Sadly, I have been through thick and thin and I know I am not the only one, and I definitely know that this is just the beginning. However, always remember ” You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have”- Bob Marley
My thoughts are jumbled, they are not making any sense. They are like this piece, I try to lay it out but I struggle.
The air is cool, the clouds are dark.
Where is the sun now?
The atmosphere sets off a spark,
I can’t grasp how…
These feelings feel familiar
followed by a sudden shiver.
Where have these past four years of my life gone?
These dark days feel so long,
yet the good days feel so short.
A light breeze flows past;
A piece of dust collects in my eye.
My hair tickles my face as I let out a deep sigh.
“Please don’t leave me”, I beg, “Stay in this world with me.”
I feel such a wreck as I try control something I need to let go.
I spent a whole fifteen years holding onto something I needed to now let go.
All I am able to show for my loss now is a tear spilling down, down, down; soaked up by the lining of my clothing.
It is gone like the moment, becoming nothing but a memory.
I feel alone, I feel afraid.
He taught me to always be brave, “let nothing push you down,
Just keep swimming, don’t drown.”
I feel the anger bubbling through me, like a volcano about to erupt.
I can’t find my answers, “Why, why, why?”, I ask…
The feelings are so abrupt,
shock hitting me like a wave.
I crave, crave, crave for his touch, presence, laughter, being!
It all happened too fast.
I breathe in blue and out red, trying to feel the calmness, be the calmness,
like a river early in the morning; no ripples, no waves, no movement until I approach the rapids.
I try to drown my Demons but they know how to swim.
As the sun returns, beaming down, I fade into the shadows,
sink into the darkness once again.
The reality is; these Monsters are not under my bed, they are in my head…
As I have flashbacks; a smell will trigger a memory, I cry for my hometown. I have come to realise that I took all those 5 years of high school for granted, they were what I will call now the “good” days. That was my home where all my life experiences and memories were made. I wish I didn’t have to leave. I have come to a 1st world country and I see all the beauty that locals have become blind to. The excitement and thrill of catching a ferry to an island, the silence of a green clean cut park where all I can hear are the birds talking, and the faint noises in the distance. The chance to sit here alone or walk alone, treat your dog to an afternoon walk, knowing that you will be safe. All the little necessities that I couldn’t have as a kid. However, I could take my motorbike through the bush and ride my worries away, I can’t do that here.
I hear people complaining over the most minor things and wonder how tough has their life actually been? How blessed are they, do they even realise? Have they every experienced having no food in the shops like in 2008? People migrating to neighbouring countries in order to find food for their children, locals queuing for miles to collect bags of food that are given away, only to reach the front of the line and realise the last bag was just given away. The disappointment and struggle was so hard to bear. Sadly, many people complain about the weather, but if I am honest, if all they can complain about is something completely out of their control, then they better count their blessings.
In my hometown, everyone was friendly, racism caused a lot of violence, but thankfully most of my memories were fun! I would get angry about the driving and waiting in queues for hours but those are the little things I have to giggle about now. I could go 120km/hr down a road to school, experience the thrill of speed and now people only go 40 miles on most roads, I know it was dangerous but it fed my desires. Those long evenings with no electricity, I used to read to my family or act and sing for them, those were incredible memories that I would live again in a heart beat. The sound of generators became like the sound of crickets, the local species all around the neighbourhood.
As I would lye in my brothers’ room, too scared to sleep alone, there would be big thunderstorms, lightening and the sound of rain on the rooftops, our power would go off and we would just lay there. The windows breathing in the smell of the African rains, a smell one can never erase. The smell of freshly cut lawn and the “choo choo choo…. rrrrrrr” of the sprinkler rotating and feeding the grass that is yearning for moisture, the waterfall trickling into the pool, I feel tranquility. The sight of an African sunrise, only so beautiful and red because of the amount of dust in the atmosphere, nothing beats that!
I used to lye by the pool and hear the whistles, calling and hooting of the commuter drivers, alongside them the vendors trying to sell phone data; the cry of an average local trying to make a days worth of work. The big explosion and vibrations as people would blast rock in the nearby fields to create space for new houses. The most terrifying sound of the night jar, a bird the size of a human palm, chirping outside my window in the big African mahogany tree.
I will never forget the sound of my gate bell as we had visitors, the sound of my gate opening, followed by the excitement in my dogs voice as my mum or family member would arrive home. Everyday at 4 o’clock, I could never take a nap as I would be sure to be woken up as a dog passed our gate, my dog would go say hello, everyday without fail! I used to get so annoyed but I would embrace it now. The contact with my little dog when I was crying, she knew all about it. I miss her, I love her, I mourn for my hometown…
As I sit here in this beautifully coloured park; the sun beams down on the luscious green grass, the wind whistles through the trees and my hair. The birds scope the grass for their morning meals and I picture myself as a bird. I would take off and soar high in the sky, looking at the world from a completely different perspective. I guess one could say I take the “flight” mode when things get tough. I’m not strong enough to fight. Instead, I sit here listening to music and the lyrics speak to me.
I often think; I’m not afraid to die, I could check out any day; but, it’s not everyday you sit and watch a squirrel surrounded by birds. There is no conflict, no violence unlike this cruel world. There is a huge discrimination against someone different; black, white, homosexual, heterosexual, appearance and beliefs. It is all so wrong, can we not embrace the differences? Learn from each other! Imagine how different life could be…
I ask myself; could I be that squirrel, surrounded by angels? The birds being spirits such as my Dad, secretly watching and protecting me. I feel him, I realise how lucky I actually am, almost getting hit by a car one morning, but I didn’t, for example. As I watch this squirrel; I would love to pick it up and cuddle it, or stroke it but I can’t… Is that how my Dad feels? He wants to touch me, hug me, but he can’t? When you are 2 completely different people in this world, there is a line separating us; we can’t cross it. However, this squirrel knows I am here, just like I know my Dad is here. I could run away or I can sit and embrace the presence. That’s where I “fight”, fight to see him!
I get all these piercings and want to cover my body in tattoos. Is that because I am trying to hide who I really am? I don’t want to be me, I would love to be someone different. When it comes to cleaning a new piercing, I am so excited about it! I give it my full attention but after a week or 2, I give up. I stop caring. Is that like my life? I meet new people, put my heart into it then get bored and insecure, thus I stop caring and give up? Suddenly, I will move to a new place and meet new people and do the same, just like a new piercing… Do I like this pain, I ask myself? Truth is yes, I enjoy the rush but it is not the cure for my heart break; my loss in life. That is the reality I have to now embrace…
Our 5 senses make us all human, depends on how we use them… My senses are constantly going crazy about my surroundings and my ability to think far too much, creates a completely different dimension to it all.
This is proven as the sound of motorcars race up and down the highway, drown out the cry of Nature. As the birds try to communicate and the trees whoosh to the light breeze that touches my cheek. That moment is soon gone as a lorry or bus roars past, creating wind that ruffles my hair. As I hear a helicopter in the distance, the mind ignores the birds; why is it amusing now for children to see an aeroplane and wave and scream like they have never seen one, instead of doing that with a bird or a beetle? They are more attractive, beautiful unique creatures compared to a big metal object,powered by petrol and carbonic emissions that all look the same in the sky?
The sight is very eye-opening. If you stop and take a moment to observe you will see what I mean. The litter that’s hidden in the bushes; the trees half-cut to provide wood, bleeding for amendment; the number of birds in the sky or in your garden that you can count on one hand; the miles and miles of green grass that have been replaced by tar or buildings; the big windmill to my right, spinning in the wind. The constant arguments I have in my head to be against it all but I have to conform with it in order to survive. It makes my heart ache seeing what the world is becoming every day. I have a feeling I am not the only one as I see the amount of cigarette buds or alcohol bottles hidden in the grass, pieces of glass from an upset person bewilder me. This shows me the amount of stressed people in the world, turning to other substances confuses me. These buildings and vehicles are supposed to make it all better, aren’t they? I think it’s making it too easy and people are finding minor things to worry about in their free time, things they shouldn’t need to worry about.
As I look up in the sky I see lines of clouds made by microscopic jets miles in the sky. Ironically, they are not microscopic, they perceive a large problem to the atmosphere. Where there are supposed to be little birds soaring above, it is now replaced by large aircrafts. Birds are being killed everyday in the wings and engines of these machines, bushpigs being killed as they trot across the runway in front of an aircraft or a moving vehicle. These animals are called the intruders? The sight of a large unknown spider or snake being killed because one person has a phobia! Personally, I am one of those people but it is not right, they have every right to be here as we do.
**One with Nature**
Over the past 2 years I have been on 2 different continents. Sadly, I have had to endure the sight of 2 large fires! One was in Africa, a rubbish dump caught alight, the smoke travelled miles and miles across the sky; the taste of smoke on my tongue, adolescents breathing in the fumes and asthmatics sucking on their inhalers, it was a fight from Nature. The second one was a plastic company in England; dark, thick clouds of smoke surrounded the town. As I drove down the freeway, they could have been mistaken for large, dark rain clouds; the taste of guilt filled my mouth and anger in my blood as I couldn’t stop it.
I can’t protect Nature, I am like a shield surrounded by an army; how do I claim victory? Truth is, I can’t. Everyone needs to be a shield for Nature, stand together as an army against destruction.
**Nothing beats the smell of roses**
The smell of freshly cut grass, thunderstorms and meat being sizzled on the BBQ are supposed to loom over the neighbourhood, not the smell of burnt fuel or burnt tyres as the nearest person races his car out the driveway. Don’t you want to grow old and be able to tell your children and grandchildren that you made a positive difference in this world? Not a negative impact? I know I do….
Close your eyes and let’s compare the touch of a tortoises’ shell; hard, jagged and covered in lines making shapes, as my fingers lightly follow each piece; like a blind man reading brale, it all tells a story. The overwhelming feeling of a soft petal covered in dew between my index finger and thumb, those are the touches that thrill me. The comparable object is a large combine harvester as it rumbles along the fields. Thefeel of metal, soft and sharp on some bits; drawing blood across my finger or a toddler feeling a stove plate, the heat scarring their palm for life. Those bring tears and not happiness.
**Being amongst Nature. Brings tranquility**
I know people are scared of change, but let’s make a change, a difference for our next generation.
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