As I drive myself home down the motorway, passing all the windmills I notice the setting sun. Another day has come to an end, another day I managed to get through. I glance at the date in my car and it is Christmas Eve. A time of year when I should be filled with happiness and excitement as “Santa is coming to town”. However, I am not a toddler anymore, sleepless nights on Christmas Eve as my dad walked down the corridor with boots on that he put in powder, the thought of Santas sleigh on my roof and him squeezing down the chimney, as he made his way towards the milk and cookies that I left out for him and Rudolph. I am an adult now, filled with overwhelming sadness and dread as the day is soon to arrive where I won’t receive a message from you or a Merry phone call. For I know that 4 days later it will be your anniversary. A time for us all to celebrate your life, but I want to celebrate it with you.
I have managed to get through the past 5 years but I don’t know if I can continue. I feel like a pebble on the bottom of a river, stuck waiting for the current to push me along. The heaviness of emotion weighing me down, I feel like I am drowning. I can’t cry, I can’t scream as this ball of anger rises from my stomach to my throat. It is like a ball of lava inside an active volcano waiting to erupt. However, the risk of damage is too high. As the fire flows from my tongue, the cloud of sulphur seeps through the room and the weight of the ash sits on my family’s shoulders. I know I have to remain a dormant volcano to avoid the chances of ruins.
As these memories invade my brain, the music in my car continues to play a song called 2000 miles. The lyrics include that the distance is too far to drive but the ironic thing is I would drive that distance to see your face again. However, is Heaven that close? The memories are so fresh and the wounds so raw this time of year. As your contagious laugh echoes through my mind as we sat with a drink or two under the African setting sun. A new song by Robbie Williams starts to play and I scream the words “I love my life” as a cold shiver runs down my spine. The burning of my eyes as a tear creeps down my cheek. How dare it expose my weakness? I underestimated my time with you, now I have to spend a lifetime searching for a new hope.
Have you ever felt so low that you are constantly exhausted? You have no energy to even think or realise who you are and how down you are currently feeling? You just stare into space like a zombie and everyone asks and asks if you are ok? You know you are not ok but what do you tell them? Do you say ” I am struggling, I can’t seem to fight through this anymore?” Or do you say “yes I am fine” I would probably choose the latter option. It seems easier than having to explain these demons, especially at times when you don’t even know what they want, or why they keep tearing at your heart strings.
I recently climbed a great big mountain and I was adamant, with a smile on my face to release these demons inside, or at least some of them. Sadly, I seemed to have brought many more back with me.
A thought keeps spiralling through my mind that sends chills up my spine; The battle won’t last forever and I wonder who will win…
Sitting in a local pub having some lunch, I hear the laughter of the people around as all the workers have come in for a break along with the low murmur of voices all around. It is getting really loud in here and yet I am still able to think. I look at a man who is deep in thought, I wonder what he is thinking about. I sit here with my cup of coffee and everyone else has a pint of beer and I realise that I don’t fit in. However, I am content at this moment in time as I watch people walk past, eat their lunch or the bar man doing his job.
There are large groups of people, a couple dining out or a bunch of strangers chatting at the bar. As I sit in the corner I don’t think anyone notices me, I am like a fly on the wall. There is a buzz of things happening around, so many different things happening at this current moment. I notice that everyone is on their own mission in life. Some get through the obstacles together or when it comes to me, sitting in the booth by myself, some prefer to fight it alone.
Here is a food for thought, excuse the pun; but do you think a dog comfort eats when it is sad, like a human being? Do you think a dog eats a lot when it is bored, like a human being?
I think it is possible because as I sit and look after this dog, whose family has gone away, she does not look very happy. I know I am merely a stranger to her. However, she is like a vacuum, including when we go for our daily walks. This little dog will munch all that is in sight including old chicken bones left on the pavement, licks up the rain water collected with dirt along the roads edges and even tries to dig through fellow neighbours bins. We can clearly see who walks to lose weight and who walks to gain. I understand that dogs do eat everything but this dog bewilders me.
Isn’t it ironic that comfort food only comforts you for a few minutes then leaves you craving more? A cigarette tastes like another one to smokers, alcohol to alcoholics, even chocolates to a chocoholic.
We push through life relying on substances to keep us happy, to fill that empty space.
There is a void in my heart that no substance could ever fill.
As I am caught in this vicious cycle of life, I put one foot in front of the other with my new companion by my side.
As I climb three sets of stairs to the loft; which is my new room,
climbing higher and higher, I realise I am one step closer to Heaven.
I am out of breath, the clouds are dark and I collapse on my bed.
The pitter patter of raindrops against the windows breaks the silence.
I grab a pillow, cuddle my dearest teddy bear against my chest and stare.
I stare through the big solar windows and see the world outside.
Chills run up my spine as the drops get heavier and heavier.
I always thought that when it rained, someone in Heaven was crying.
“Don’t cry, Dad” I whisper.
The sound of thunder booms through the sky like the sound of music
And the lightening illuminates the clouds like a disco light.
As the sun starts to peep through it blinds me, like a bright light penetrating my retina.
What I express on the outside, I try to feel inside,
I guess some would say I am inside out.
As I try turn my sad thoughts into happy ones.
This may seem childish, but He was a big part of my childhood
And my childhood was a big part of me.
Do you ever feel like the world is on your shoulders and you can’t seem to shake it off? What do you do in that situation? Do you run and hide or do you push through it the best way that you can? I try to speak about it as I was once told that a problem shared is a problem halved. I wish it could be that easy.
As I dig for the courage deep inside me and try to piece the words together in my head, I cannot seem to find the right words to express it. My actions push and my tongue bites as the fire burns within. The dynamite string is close to burning out. As I think of fleeing, escaping to another place, I think of catching a one way ticket on a train and travelling the rail far away, no return. Suddenly, I feel safe and it is a good idea until someone says “Stop running” The truth is, I can’t…
I would love to stay and fight but can you handle it? Can I handle it? Should I stay or should I go? That is my new question.
Sitting in the front of a car as the traffic builds up on the highway; my head placed on the palm of my hand, leaning against the window, I think. I notice a sign above saying “Accident Ahead” and my body goes numb. The sound of a siren in the distance and my soul goes cold. I get shivers through me like cold, angelic fingers are gently caressing my nerves, running through my veins. My blood has gone blue. I close my eyes and see faces in the darkness, flashbacks and memories come at me at 100km/hr, and a sharp pain shoots through my head.
“Please erase these tragic memories”, I whisper. As I breathe in the blue and out the red once again, I pray for peace, for calm and tranquility. “Please just let me out! Let me be free!” I finally scream. The traffic slowly starts to move along and I know the incident is getting closer and I know I cannot face it. Perhaps now I can but I know later on in the day it will hit me like a tonne of bricks. I cannot run anymore, I have to face it now. I try to convince myself that it is now or never and forever will be knocking on my brain like an intruder, trying to be somewhere it is not wanted.
The headlights slowly start approaching in the distance as I become short of breath and my heart races. Sadly, everyone is nosy and I cannot go through with it so once again I run, I escape the car and dice into the bushes to touch base with my sanity.
The World is crying, can no-one see that?
Parts are turning bad,
It is terribly, deeply sad.
As the murders, crimes and lives are lost
I feel the ache jolt through my heart.
The loss sends shock waves through the equator
Splitting the world apart.
As I watch the trees,
The wind gently kisses the leaves,
Slowly uplifting the bird in the sky
Allowing it to soar incredibly high.
What can He see up there?
The wind is His strength, Nature tolerating Her fair share of brutality.
The rain comes rushing down,
Drowning the mishaps and sorrows.
As the rain washes the blood into nearby flowing rivers,
The memories and heart ache soon follow.
The clouds act as umbrellas shielding the Earth
As the sun illuminates the World,
It is a fresh start for all again.
Stand together and be a voice for the voiceless
Hippopotamus are the amazing, water wallowing animal, fed to poachers or killed to poach crocodiles
Elephants stand as big, double tusked, kind eyed animal, crying to protect their Ivory
Lions prowl like proud, mane maintained animal, protecting their territory
Panthers are slyly crawling, furry four legged Cats of Africa, Losing their fellow rivalry.
The lions roar, the birds call, the World cries again and Nature will Yelp
As I sit and wonder, I put these animals together and they spell H.E.L.P!!”
“Hello. Can you hear me?” I call into the dark night
I feel alone and scared as the bushes rustle,
and the trees bustle from midnight breezes
as they shake with energy, I can feel my breath quickening.
When I look up in the sky, I see stars twinkling 4.3 light years away.
Some would say that is high, but when it comes to love and loss
distance means nothing.
Ever look up at the sky and think it is like a blanket with little peep holes, for your loved ones to watch through whilst you sleep?
There are only a few holes where the light shines through tonight.
“Hello?” I whisper, but still no reply.
I sigh. I continue walking with no direction as to where I am going.
Every step, every metre slowly calms my emotions.
I realise the hardest hill to overcome when you lose someone
Is you will get days where life hits you from every angle;
You can’t think, process or speak,
it is merely a question of survival.
I try convince myself he is watching me, sitting on a chair sipping an ice cold beer.
For he would have been forty-nine today, still so young.
I stumble upon a bench and sit with my beer, my vision blurry as a tear spills into my eye,
raising it high up to the sky.
In that second as I take my first sip, it is like we are celebrating together again.
Like a golden heart didn’t stop beating four years ago.
As though I didnt lose a close friend.
Oh, Silent Night…
Don’t let this grief consume me.